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Anatomy of an Un-Produced Play
In 1987, I penned my one and only theatrical play. It was called Three Men and a Dick. The story was a one-act comedy about three twenty-something roommates forced to share a penis due to an unspecified disease that destroyed male genitalia. The play was intended as an allegory about fears of intimacy and sexuality. The first roommate Dirk was an athletic Lothario with a drinking problem. Kyle was a shy nerd who’d never been kissed. Colin was a handsome actor with a sexual-identity crisis.
The penis was kept carefully wrapped in aluminum foil in the refrigerator crisper. Every Sunday night the men gathered over pizza and beer to schedule usage for the coming week. They elucidated rules. Each was allowed to use the penis two nights a week. The user had to be home by midnight in case the other roommates needed to urinate. During sex, condoms were mandatory. Masturbation was permitted as long as velvet gloves were used.
The key incident in the play happens halfway through. Dirk, the womanizer, comes home drunk on a Saturday night and confesses he’s lost the penis. His roommates are apoplectic. They attempt to retrace Dirk’s steps but all he remembers is having sex with a mystery woman in an alley behind a bar. Desperate, the roommates drive through the dark streets of “Dicktown” near Western and Fountain looking to purchase a contraband penis. They end up buying a…
